Par for the course... this is not a hole in one.

Why is it that we always want to believe the worst about ourselves? Hear only the bad things others say about us? I'm sure there have been countless blogs, musings, diary entries, and the like, on this very subject. I'm sure one could devote an entire course of study on why people are so hard on themselves about everything from their ability to get a decent job, to their lack of skill in the kitchen (at least that one isn't me). Why is it that a perfectly lovely phone conversation, a calming "how was your day" chat, can get perfectly derailed by one flip comment? Is this a woman thing, a low self esteem thing, a person thing?

Yesterday, a friend of mine sent me a message, mental cogs grinding furiously, because she'd accidentally "liked" a Facebook post that wasn't particularly likable. Suddenly, a tiny Blackberry related error became a whirlwind of "will everyone think I'm a bitch?" Certainly technology has made it easier for misunderstandings to crop up and mushroom horribly out of control, but what is it in us, psychologically, that fuels these little fires?

I've had a few sleepless nights this week, spent obsessing about this very subject. Slips of the tongue analyzed to death. It's hard to dive into something new when you suspect that the other person always has one foot out the door. The problem is that this type of suspicion is like a familiar friend, a security blanket frayed around the edges from self-indulgent stroking. I've been down this road before, the memory whitewashed by the years, and then cropping up in a new person, a new place. I want to jump into the deep end, but something is holding one foot on the deck, just in case. Wouldn't want to get all my toes wet. Someone needs to just push me in, but unfortunately, I suspect that the only person who can do that is myself.